How to Discipline Your Child

by Katharine C. Kersey
http://www.come-over.to/fasstar/Kersey.htm

LEARNING HOW TO BE GOOD PARENTS AND TEACHERS

Children come into this world helpless and unable to thrive without us. Our job is to love and nurture them and to teach them how to live.

Discipline means "to teach and train". We need to be good disciplinarians, to acquire skills that will accomplish the goal we set for ourselves - that of helping the child learn to control and set standards for himself.

There are several ways we can "make" children behave. One is by using force. Another is by using fear. Still another is by punishment. Unfortunately, these three methods imply that the caregiver is superior and should overpower the child. Rather than leading to a child with inner control, they make the child angry, resentful, fearful and dependent upon force.

There is another way to discipline children. Though it may not appear to get the immediate results we might like, it is safer, more natural and humanistic. It is based on the assumption that children are by nature good, fair, and honest and ultimately capable of responding to that which is good, fair and honest within us. This method is to treat the child with respect. It is treating the child as if he is as important a human being as you are. It is treating him with the same respect with which you wish for him to treat others, you, and himself.

_Don't Take It Out On Your Kids_ is an effort to show how we can parent and teach effectively without using force, fear, and/or punishment, but rather by treating the child with respect. By offering parents and teachers proven ways to reinforce good behavior and minimize misbehavior it is hoped that the vicious cycle of child abuse and neglect will be broken.

HOW CAN WE TREAT OUR CHILDREN WITH RESPECT?

_We can treat our children with respect by using discipline techniques that teach them self-control and responsibility_.

*Discipline Techniques that Often Backfire*

-Embarrassing -Repeating commands
-Humiliating -Pleading, begging
-Spanking (physical punishment) -Ordering
-Taking away favored things -Nagging
-Punishing psychologically -Labeling
-Engaging in power struggles -Arguing
-Rewarding misbehavior -Threatening
-Giving in to undue commands -Being vague
-Allowing child to manipulate adult -Fussing
-Saying what you don't mean -Being inconsistent
-Expecting child to read your mind -Losing your cool
-Allowing dangerous, destructive, -Making child feel guilty
embarrassing behavior to continue

*Discipline Techniques that Work*

-Following through with what you say -Being consistent
-Modeling appropriate behavior -Being firm yet kind/fair
-Clearly stating expectations before -Giving a child a choice
child has engaged in undesirable act only when you intend to
-Rewarding positive behavior and to accept that choice
ignoring negative behavior (except -Making the child feel
when dangerous, destructive, or worthwhile, liked and
embarrassing) successful
-Providing consequence for misbehavior -Providing when/then
immediately after undesirable act is statements; "When you
performed have...then you may."
-Providing if/then statements; "If you -Abuse it/lose it
have...then you may." -Redirecting misbehavior
-Removing child from the -Shaping non-existent
situation behaviors

*How to Stop Misbehavior in the Classroom*

When children break the rules and their misbehavior cannot be ignored, it is important that the teacher have a system that is understood by everyone. This system should handle the misbehavior in the least reinforcing way possible. Ideally a private place should be created in a classroom where a child can be alone, to think and pull himself together. Such as:

YELLOW CARD: Warning. Return when ready.

GREEN CARD: Return when given permission.

BLUE CARD: Write about behavior and develop a plan to improve it.

RED CARD: Remove from room.

*What to do in the Grocery Store to Help a Child Behave*

-Give child a responsibility (Match coupons with the labels)
-Ignore inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous,
destructive or embarrassing to you or a bother to others
-Remove child to a private place to discuss misbehavior
-Praise another child's appropriate behavior
-Play a game with the child (Let's count all the
tennis shoes we see on people's feet)
-Discuss rules before entering store
-Bring a nutritious snack for child to eat during the shopping
-Bring a story book for child to look at
-Select a secret word or signal which you can both use to get
the immediate attention of the other
-Don't let the child out of your sight
-Reinforce appropriate behavior
-Bring a favorite toy, blanket, etc... to help make him
feel secure
-Don't bring children who are tired or hungry to the store
-Role play at home how to act at the grocery store
-Sing songs with him
-Give child something of yours to play with -- keys,
pocket book, etc.
-Tell child you will have to leave him at home next
time -- then do it
-Stop unacceptable behavior as soon as it occurs
-Don't ever buy the child a treat from the store
where he threw a fit
-Wear comfortable shoes and clothes to the grocery
store (both parent and child)
-As your child is able, let him comparative shop for you
-Discuss pictures on the grocery items
-Take an older child to help you
-Let child know it is a privilege to go shopping with you

_We can treat our children with respect by helping them develop
their self-esteem and encourage their growth.

*How to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem*

-Show children that you like them by smiling at them, hugging
them and speaking to them in a positive way.
-Read out loud together as a family.
-Use positive reinforcement to encourage responsible behavior.
-Help them to learn responsibility by requiring them to
complete tasks.
-Set aside a time each day to spend with each child individually.
-Help children to develop organizational skills by providing
space for toys, books, schoolwork, etc.
-Help them to discover their own special gifts by letting them
develop an interest in activities such as sports, music,
dance, drama, etc.
-Encourage their independence.
-Get to know their teachers.
-Do not embarrass children by yelling at them in public.
-Allow your child to express his feelings.
-Listen to your child and look him in the eyes when he is
talking to you.
-Do not set your expectations so high that the chance of
failure prevents your child from trying.
-Encourage your child to be proud of his name, his ideas and
his work.
-Give your child recognition for the effort he makes, even though
it may not come up to your expectations.
-Answer your child's questions openly, honestly and immediately,
if possible.
-Take your child with you on trips to run errands and involve him
in decision-making.
-Build a file of mementos of things in which your child
participated.
-Point out and appreciate unique qualities in your child that
make him special.
-Do not compare one child to another.

*Positive Ways to Encourage Children's Growth*

-Show children you like them.
-Provide a model for intellectual curiosity.
-Reward responsible behavior and tasks you ask them
to complete.
-Require your child to complete certain tasks starting at
an early age.
-Set aside time each day to give your child your undivided
attention.
-Encourage organization at an early age.
-Help your child discover his natural gifts.
-Work with your child's teacher.
-Encourage your child's growing independence and autonomy
(ability to become self-reliant).
_We can treat our children with respect by letting them
solve their own problems.

*Six Step Problem Solving Technique*

1. State the problem.
2. Brainstorm the alternatives.
3. Select one possible solution.
4. Implement a solution.
5. Reassess the plan.
6. Start over, if unsuccessful.

How to Punish Without Punishing Yourself

http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/punishment/42965.html
It was late in the afternoon on July 4. We had planned to go to the evening fireworks display. Our children were arguing more than usual. I threatened them, hoping they would stop: "If you don't quit arguing, we are not going to the fireworks." What a foolish thing to say. If they did not go, we did not go; there was no way we would have found a baby-sitter at 5:00 p.m. on the Fourth of July, as every teenager in town was going to the fireworks. The children did not stop, and we did not go. We were punished along with our children.

A better punishment would have been to separate them when they started arguing, and make them play alone. I did not think. I got angry and made a foolish threat that ended up costing me more than my children. Think carefully before talking. Anger can get you in trouble. Think about how the punishment will affect you and the rest of the family. Will this punishment disrupt me? If you have a child who likes to control you or others in the family, choose his punishments carefully. Be sure that the punishment only affects your child who misbehaved and not anyone else. Do not say, "We are not going until you clean your room." If you are going somewhere he wants to go, this threat may work. If he does not want to go, you have just given your child a lot of power. No one can go until the room is clean. You are giving this child control over the entire family. Who is being punished?

What do you do with your child who is not permitted to go somewhere with the rest of the family? Get a baby-sitter and then go and have a good time. You may want to have your child pay for some or all of the cost of the baby-sitter. Your child will learn that his misbehavior will not prevent the family from having fun. Select punishments that impact your child, not you. Your other children will learn something, too. Misbehavior only affects the one who misbehaves.

Parents often wonder how to take TV privileges from one child. If they have to shut off the TV, the other children will be punished. That's true. Do not shut the TV off because one child is restricted. That punishes everyone. Watch TV as usual. The child who is being punished has to go in another room. That's the true punishment. If no one can watch TV because he cannot watch TV, you are giving your child control over the entire family. Who is being punished?

Use Punishments That Are Easy to Enforce
Choose punishments that you can enforce easily. This will enable you to follow through. If a punishment is inconvenient or laborious, you will be less consistent. A father told me that he would lock up the video game for three hours whenever his son would disobey:

"How often do you lock up the game?"
"Once or twice a week."
"Does your son obey all the other days?"
"If he did, would I be talking with you?"
"Why don't you lock up the game every time he disobeys?"
"If I locked that game up every time he did not do what he was supposed to do, I would be locking that thing up ten times a day."
"Why don't you do that?"
"It would take me forever with all those cables and plugs."

Dad is using a punishment that is inconvenient, so he does not follow through consistently. His son is not learning to obey; he is learning that he can disobey as often as he likes and only lose his game once or twice a week. Dad has probably identified an effective punishment-taking away the video game-but he needs to be more consistent. He needs to lock up the game every time. If the video game cables make this punishment cumbersome, then Dad needs a more effective way of administering the punishment.

Explain the Punishment
Tell your child the purpose of the punishment. When you explain punishment, you increase your child's understanding and cooperation. Explain that you are on his side. You are not the enemy. You are trying to help him make better decisions in the future:

"I am not trying to hurt you or make you angry. You are being punished because you made a poor choice about your behavior. I want you to learn from this so you will think differently next time. I do not want you to think I am out to get you. I am not. I am out to help you."

Explain that you are not trying to get even. Ignore irritating comments such as, "You expect me to believe you are doing this for me. Sure you are." Only explain it once. Do not become caught in lengthy explanations and arguments.


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